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sigh* he has his moments when i just want to…. idk crush him cus he’s so cute! lol. gosh, i dont know what it would be like if i was with someone else other than my current boyfriend. he is so very understanding about me & everything about me. very supportive, loving, trustworthy. sometimes i feel like i take him for granted. and sometimes i feel like i assume too much from him. i wish he would never get sick of me because i wouldnt want to fall in love with anyone else except for him. i dont know how he can stand me sometimes, i’m really the worst. but i’m glad he stays. i’m glad he doesnt leave…. i havent told anyone this (except my bf & well, now, tumblr).. but i feel like i’ve been showing symptoms of bipolar.. and it got worse once i started my LVN job. i feel so bad whenever i have episodes of lashing out, because i always direct it towards my boyfriend. but he is very patient, and leaves me alone when i need to be alone. i love how he accepts it & the challenges that comes with being in a relationship with me. he makes me the happiest ever. i just hope that he continues to be patient.. i dont want him to get tired of me. =[ i love him so much! | | |
| i dont know why ive been feeling soooo... pessimistic lately. well, not really pessimistic because i still look at the better side of situations most of the time. more like, negative. about almost everything in my life right now. my friends SUCK now. well most of them. the ones that i used to be so close to are starting to really irritate me. i dont know why, they just are. the way they say things & some of their actions are just so fucking annoying. and my family. i mean, they are awesome and all. but we have our ups and downs. i havent spent time with most of them because of something that happened about 2 weeks ago. and just recently my sister and i had kind of an argument, so i havent really been talking with her either even though we live in the same house. i dont have a car right now because i mistakenly sold mine. i thought i was for sure getting a better car, that's why. but it didnt turn out well. i hate my body because ive gained so much weight.. resulting in my ultra-low self-esteem right now. i really freakin hate my job. like, i HATE it so much. i do not like being an LVN at all. i hate myself for pursuing this career. i feel like i've lost so much of who i am because of this career. my job takes up most of my time, so i'm pretty much miserable. to make matters worse, i work noc shift (11pm - 7:30am) but my boss comes in late every morning so i end up staying until like 8:30am or sometimes even 9am, and i dont even get paid that extra hour. i mean, i know i should NOT be complaining at all because i'm pretty blessed with everything that's in my life. but how can i be happy in it? the only happiness i have right now is my boyfriend & our poodle. they are the ones keeping me sane. i really shouldn't be complaining, especially after what happened to japan. if i compare my life to theirs, i am pretty fucking blessed. i just cant help this feeling. like i'm fed up with everything. im sick and tired of my life. i need a change of scenery. i wanna go somewhere far. better yet, move somewhere far. i just want this feeling to go away. now, on to the =] part. my boyfriend & our poodle is the =] part. he is so supportive. understanding. caring. loving. he spoils me with his love. i couldnt have asked for a better partner. here is what i wrote as my facebook status: i really love my boyfriend. he's everything. when i cry, he hugs me tightly & tells me everything will be fine, we'll get through it with him by my side. when i complain, he makes me feel better. he looks toward a better future for us. he does his best to please me, if not, he compromises. & a million other reasons.. i just love him to death... thanx for being my best friend & lover. you're the awesomest. =] kind of sums it up, but not even really close to how i feel about him. i love him so much. | | |
| everything that i hoped it would be, it is. its been almost 4 months since i let go of him............. but he came back. my faith never really faltered. and i say never "really" because it almost did. after 3 weeks of depression & hoping & realizing, i started to TRY to live my life again. i know that i was not going to be complete, but i tried. i dated, went out, danced, laughed. even met someone worthy to be next... but it just didnt feel RIGHT.. at all. and then one day, he texted me. yes, 1 single text that said "i miss u" made me regain ALL my hope. my heart fluttered, my stomach turned [in a good way] and i texted back "i miss u too" ... a week later, i decided to go see him because, well, i really did miss him.. and he told me his story.. the whole month without me.. and he said he realized that he cant be without me.. his uncle told him that i was a keeper & he struck him.. and he changed. he really changed for himself. not entirely for me, but for him. he really wanted to change.. for me! i was so happy.. it felt right being in his arms... and i still am very happy. of course, my trust cant be all the way there yet, but im taking baby steps. that heartache was too much to bare...
but we're very much in love =] and everything is really good now.. all good.. | | |
| after a few talks with friends and closer people, i began to realize that he really isnt the one for me right now. he's still way too young.. and my beliefs of being in a relationship are i guess too... "mature" for him [and i guess for me right now.] they all kept telling me that he wont change, he will just repeat his behavior, he will end up hurting me again. so i decided that i was going to let go of any communication with him after i hung out with him and his family on friday. i was still open to other opinions to stir my decision, but when i talked to my sister about [i look at her as very wise and i always seek advice from her], her response was that i should let him go for now too until he realizes & changes because people only change for themselves. true, so i finalized my decision about letting him go... [or so i thought.] then yesterday, while eating dinner @ a chinese buffet with my parents and little cousin, my parents ended up talking about their past and how their relationship was when they were younger. i found out that my dad had multiple girlfriends [he said he had a different gf every day of the week haha], and my mom said that he saw my dad waiting for his other girlfriend while riding the jeepney. i was shocked... my dad?! was a player?! [my dad is the sweetest thing in the world]. they continued on about how much of an asshole my dad was [they were both laughing about it, too] when they were dating & how much shit talking a lot of my mom's peers were saying about him. so i asked my mom what made her stay. how come she stayed with him when she knew he was cheating on her. my mom's response was... "i just knew, i felt it. i knew that he was a different person from what the people were saying about him & what his actions made him look like. when we talked, he was the only person that was not intimidated by my deepest thoughts. he was the only one that had a response to them. i just knew. i just knew that he was the one." that she didnt care if he cheated on her, there was no commitment yet.. ... so that whole bit changed how i perceived relationships. i realized that i am way too serious for my own good. and also... i can feel whenever we talk and whenever we're together. i dont know if this is what my mom felt when she first started dating my dad, but i know i feel something.. i know that i love him and i know that he is a good person. so even though all of my friends & even my sister said all of those things... i think that i am going to stay with him. he loves me... i can feel it. | | |
| but i just dont know if i can. it hurts to know that you have given ur all to someone that you fell in love with.. just to find out that the whole time you were together, he has been emotionally cheating you. he admitted it, i appreciate it... he even apologized. but what more can i do? i have given him all that i am and this is what i get in return? a small little change that i ask of him and he cant even sacrifice that? what am i supposed to do. wait, i do know what to do... its just hard. why is it so hard? why do these things happen to the best of us? should i be fucked up to ppl in order to be treated nicely? i don't know if i really do want to let go of him because.. well i still love him. he is still in my bones and i cant get rid of it just yet. yeah, i know.. it takes time. but time moves sooo slloooww when you are experiencing this thing called "heart break." technically i did break up with him earlier today.. but i am still soo attached. i must have done the right thing because 3 of my friends already told me that i should let go of him already. but there is a side to him that only i know and i love that side of him. im so confused. i still want to be with him but i know i shouldn't. it hurts. a lot. and i hate crying. but everyone probably goes through this. and also, i dont know if this made any sense because i kind of just wrote whatever came to mind. | | |
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