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| after a few talks with friends and closer people, i began to realize that he really isnt the one for me right now. he's still way too young.. and my beliefs of being in a relationship are i guess too... "mature" for him [and i guess for me right now.] they all kept telling me that he wont change, he will just repeat his behavior, he will end up hurting me again. so i decided that i was going to let go of any communication with him after i hung out with him and his family on friday. i was still open to other opinions to stir my decision, but when i talked to my sister about [i look at her as very wise and i always seek advice from her], her response was that i should let him go for now too until he realizes & changes because people only change for themselves. true, so i finalized my decision about letting him go... [or so i thought.] then yesterday, while eating dinner @ a chinese buffet with my parents and little cousin, my parents ended up talking about their past and how their relationship was when they were younger. i found out that my dad had multiple girlfriends [he said he had a different gf every day of the week haha], and my mom said that he saw my dad waiting for his other girlfriend while riding the jeepney. i was shocked... my dad?! was a player?! [my dad is the sweetest thing in the world]. they continued on about how much of an asshole my dad was [they were both laughing about it, too] when they were dating & how much shit talking a lot of my mom's peers were saying about him. so i asked my mom what made her stay. how come she stayed with him when she knew he was cheating on her. my mom's response was... "i just knew, i felt it. i knew that he was a different person from what the people were saying about him & what his actions made him look like. when we talked, he was the only person that was not intimidated by my deepest thoughts. he was the only one that had a response to them. i just knew. i just knew that he was the one." that she didnt care if he cheated on her, there was no commitment yet.. ... so that whole bit changed how i perceived relationships. i realized that i am way too serious for my own good. and also... i can feel whenever we talk and whenever we're together. i dont know if this is what my mom felt when she first started dating my dad, but i know i feel something.. i know that i love him and i know that he is a good person. so even though all of my friends & even my sister said all of those things... i think that i am going to stay with him. he loves me... i can feel it. | | |
| but i just dont know if i can. it hurts to know that you have given ur all to someone that you fell in love with.. just to find out that the whole time you were together, he has been emotionally cheating you. he admitted it, i appreciate it... he even apologized. but what more can i do? i have given him all that i am and this is what i get in return? a small little change that i ask of him and he cant even sacrifice that? what am i supposed to do. wait, i do know what to do... its just hard. why is it so hard? why do these things happen to the best of us? should i be fucked up to ppl in order to be treated nicely? i don't know if i really do want to let go of him because.. well i still love him. he is still in my bones and i cant get rid of it just yet. yeah, i know.. it takes time. but time moves sooo slloooww when you are experiencing this thing called "heart break." technically i did break up with him earlier today.. but i am still soo attached. i must have done the right thing because 3 of my friends already told me that i should let go of him already. but there is a side to him that only i know and i love that side of him. im so confused. i still want to be with him but i know i shouldn't. it hurts. a lot. and i hate crying. but everyone probably goes through this. and also, i dont know if this made any sense because i kind of just wrote whatever came to mind. | | |
| i have been having this lingering feeling lately about my boyfriend. i don't know what it is or what im supposed to do.. but it just came suddenly. what happened? all of a sudden i'm craving his attention more and more and its just hard these days because of his work & my schooling & work. he can't give me what i want when we're apart. i hate it because whenever we're together physically it's as if nothing changed. we have fun together even though we both have nothing planned. but when we're apart..... it just gets hard. i want to talk to him all the time. i try to understand and not text or call him every 2 hrs or 3... but then i start feeling anxious when i dont hear from him in 5 hrs. even just a simple "hello" text would be appreciated.. and then when we do finally have some time to talk, he wants to get off the phone to do something else. or sleep. then im left with my feelings floating away... now i'm at a point where i think that i'm getting bored of this or just dont want to tolerate it anymore. before when i just talked to guys & not actually date them, whenever i got bored of them, i would just stop talking to them.. but this, this is different. i want to talk to him about it but im not sure how he would take it. ive tried before but all he says is that nothing has changed & he still loves me. but then even though he says those words.... it just happens again. the past some weeks its been like that. on the weekends we spend time & i am happy. i dread leaving because i know that we wont be talking that much for the rest of the week. & then it happens again. we have fun & i dont want to leave. and again.. and again.. i don't know what to do? last night i had a dream that i broke up with him. could that be a sign? should i talk to him & tell him my feelings? i dont know if anything will change if i just tell him... i want something to change. even our sex is starting to feel different to me. i texted him earlier this morning about wanting to talk to him in person. i wouldnt tell him the reason why. he got mad at me.... then 6 hrs later i texted him again telling him that he's being a brat & why i wanted to talk to him.. and if he didnt text me or call me back, i will take that as a rejection from him & give him his phone tomorrow (we traded phones.) i wonder if i should have done that. i hope he calls me tomorrow. | | |
| last night i watched Marley and Me and was balling my eyes out.. any girl that has seen that movie, i can almost guarantee that all of them cried. this morning i woke up to jessica crying. found out that one of our dogs died. i.... didnt know how i felt. i knew i was for sure sad, but the news didnt really move me to tears. i was very close to Takya [the dog that died] and even claimed her as mine at times. she was always so full of energy and she always cheered me up whenever i felt lonely or down. i can't believe she's gone. but my concern is...... why can't i shed a tear? why can't i shed a tear for a dog that was there for me... but i cried bucketfulls for a movie? i feel like i lack the sensitivity.. or i'm just not allowing myself to access that part of me. but why? i WANT to cry, i WANT to express how i really feel inside. but how do i really feel? im so confused with myself. | | |
| my heart does not hurt anymore. i'm happy now...
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